Weird Bloke in the Pub Says.. "Did you know Joanna Lumley has got a plastic bum-hole? Yeh apparently she used to dust her ring with cocaine and it burnt it off. Another round son?"
Caretaker role for Pearce
Following the shock resignation of Fabio Capello as England Manager Stuart Pearce has been give the role of caretaker for the next game.
Torres woes continue
Misfiring Chelsea striker Fernando Torres’s target-hitting woes are not confined to the football pitch a source has revealed. ‘Everyone knows that Fernando couldn’t hit a donkey’s arse with a sombrero at the moment’ said our source. ‘But that’s not the half of it’ he continued.
Wenger proves critics wrong
Following another piss-poor performance by Arsenal, manager Arsene Wenger has hit back at his critics. "For the past couple of years the so-called experts have been saying that Arsenal will win nothing until I go and buy another striker, a dominant midfielder and an experienced defender’ said the wrinkly-faced Frenchman".
Olympic committee to ban male camel toe ahead of 2012 games
The Great Britain Olympic committee have formally decided to ban the phenomenon of 'male camel toe' from the 2012 London games including all events such as rowing, wrestling, gymnastics and of course, road cycling.
Barton linked with move to Scunthorpe
The Outside Toilet understands that Joey Barton has been in contact with Scunthorpe United in a bid to make a fresh start to his troubled career. ‘I remember the joke about putting the arse into Marseille when they signed Chris Waddle’ Barton may have said ‘and that was great for his career.’
Alan Green’s A-Z of the Premier League
To celebrate the start of the new season of the ‘greatest league in the world’ The Outside Toilet brings you an A-Z of our predicted highlights from the nation’s favourite commentator. You may want to tick them off as you hear them. We predict that you’ll get at least 20 ticked off by the end of August.
Angler sees ghost fish on Manchester ship canal
Angler Barry Wallis received the shock of his fishing career - and indeed his life last week - when he saw what could only be described as a "ghostly apparition of an aquatic nature" - in other words, a fish ghost.
Ryan Giggs’ house has affair with 2 bedroom semi from Gateshead
The six-bedroom mansion owned by footballer Ryan Giggs has been caught carrying on an illicit affair with a two-bedroom semi detached council house from Gateshead’s Bensham estate.
Camilla entered at Royal Ascot
The Duchess of Cornwall has become a surprise last minute entry for the Gold Cup on Ladies day at Royal Ascot. Prince Charles has arranged for his wife to run in the famous race after a booking snafu saw her VIP ticket being sent to one of Princess Beatrice’s hats by mistake.
2022 Football World Cup to be hosted by Sepp Blatter’s home planet
England look set to lose out once again in their bid to host a World Cup as it has been announced that the 2022 finals will be played on Sepp Blatter’s home planet of ‘Gargantua’.
Chechen club Terek Grozny appoint Molotov cocktail as manager
After the sacking of Ruud Gullit the Chechen football club Terek Grozny has appointed a Molotov cocktail as their new manager. The cocktail has taken over managerial duties with immediate effect and has promised an explosive display by his players in this weekend’s upcoming league fixture.
All England Lawn Tennis Association hoping for English victory at Wimbledon after scientific breakthrough
The All England Lawn Tennis Association today announced that they are confident of an English winner at this year’s Wimbledon Championships after years of scientific study seem to have borne fruit.
Nigerian Prince buys Arsenal, promises £400 million fund for new players
Prince Nawamto Kilimanjaro from Nigeria has today bought Arsenal FC for the surprise amount of £5 and has promised fans their long wait for trophies will be soon over.
Angling Special Report: It's War! Our man goes in
For generations anglers have come to the peaceful Tanner's Creek to dig worms. Not many were taken, just a few to meet the needs of the local fishermen. That was until the big money bait barons moved on to scene - now it's all out WAR!
Former cook reveals how Michael Jackson tried to buy Wayne Rooney as a pet
It sensationally emerged last night that formerly alive popstar Michael Jackson wanted to buy Wayne Rooney as a pet companion for his chimp Bubbles.
