Weird Bloke in the Pub Says.. "Did you know Joanna Lumley has got a plastic bum-hole? Yeh apparently she used to dust her ring with cocaine and it burnt it off. Another round son?"
'Camp and sinister' George Osborne lined up to play next Bond villain
He is know for his unique and chilling 'evil look' and damaging, incompetent fiscal policies - and now the nation's favourite hate figure is up to play the next James Bond villain in the forthcoming instalment of 007, due for release in 2015.
Dog tattoos taking Hollywood by storm
Get ready for 'terrier tramp stamps' and 'puppy prison tatts' with the new craze that's taking the world by storm as the rich and famous of Tinsel Town queue to get their pampered pooches inked!
Nicki Minaj defies Stephen Hawkins in time travel rant
Pop sensation Nicki Minaj has this week caused uproar in the scientific community by claiming that Prof Stephen Hawkin is wrong about his assertion that time travel is impossible due to a variant of the Fermi paradox.
'Horrifying creature' washed up in New York identified as Jodie Marsh
The horrifyingly bloated, five-toed creature discovered washed up on a New York beach has been formally identified as a 'Jodie Marsh' - a rare English bird usually only seen on the cover of Heat magazine.
The Dark Knight Rises 'better than sex with Mila Kunis covered in peanut butter' claims posh critic
A posh movie critic who usually writes scathing reviews for anything that doesn't star Audrey Tautou or features a poignant flash of unkempt pubis halfway a brooding monologue by a Gitane-smoking sex addict, has called The Dark Knight Rises 'a masterpiece'.
Man who fell down Prometheus plot-hole is finally rescued
A Shropshire man who fell down a Prometheus plot hole while at a local cinema five weeks ago has been successfully winched to safety this morning.
'I was victim of the Scientologists just like Katie Holmes' claims Wigan man
A 52 year old warehouse assistant from Wigan has claimed that creepy Scientologist members have made his life a living hell ever since divorcing his estranged wife Janet.
Jeremy Paxman makes 5 year old girl cry
Hard-nosed bully Jeremy Paxman publicly humiliated a 5 year old girl on national television yesterday, making her cry and run home.
Jimmy Carr made £366,371 per joke
Bully-faced 'Comedian' Jimmy Carr - who yesterday enraged thug-lipped hypocrite PM David Cameron with his tax-avoiding antics - has accidentally revealed how much he rakes in from his career of 8 or 9 jokes per year.
Hollywood goes gaga for doggie facelifts
Hollywood A-listers bored of putting themselves under the knife, are now having their pampered pooches nipped and tucked in the latest plastic surgery craze sweeping Tinseltown – doggie plastic surgery.
Singing sensation Lama Del Rey insists 'I am not manufactured'
Chart topping sensation Lama Del Rey has hit back at critics who claim she is the creation of record industry stylists and image makers, stating that she has never had any procedures to change her appearance.
Hale and Pace discovered under Siberian permafrost
Long-extinct 'comedy' duo Gareth Hale and Norman Pace - thought to of died out decades ago - have be unearthed in almost perfect intact condition under the Siberian permafrost by a Russian oil drilling company.
Zac Efron's eyebrows come out as being gay
As a vast number of Hollywood's brightest young stars have recently revealed they are in fact homosexual - including Star Trek actor Zachary Qunito, crooner Ricky Martin and some bloke who might have been the next Superman, Matt Bomer - it appears nothing is as it seems in Tinseltown, and now Zac Efron's lustrous and shiny eyebrows have sensationally come out the closet as well.
Paul Daniels finds finger tip inside magic orange
"Now that's magic!" After losing the end of his finger in a circular saw accident, popular TV magician Paul Daniels has sensationally found the end of his missing digit inside of a magic orange, while live on stage in a hospice near Bognor Regis.
Derek Accordian's red Indian spirit guide 'Sam' killed by U.S. cavalry in the afterlife
Leading spiritualist medium Derek Accordian was in mourning yesterday after hearing the news that his faithful red Indian 'spirit guide' Sam had been attacked and killed in heaven by a garrison of U.S. cavalry troops.
