Weird Bloke in the Pub Says.. "Did you know Joanna Lumley has got a plastic bum-hole? Yeh apparently she used to dust her ring with cocaine and it burnt it off. Another round son?"
Higgs boson is all a load of sacrilegious bollocks, say church leaders
Today's announcement from CERN confirming that a new sub atomic particle had been observed - the long suspected Higgs boson or 'God' particle - has religious leaders around the world up in arms and smirking piously into their cups of cautiously flavourful tea.
Scientists finally invent flying pods off the future
Flying space pods became a step closer to reality after Google's top secret technology division 'Project X' revealed tantalising details regarding the futuristic silver transportation devices off the future, yesterday.
Man discovered who buys lard
A Chipping Norton ASDAS became world famous yesterday when its CCTV cameras and barcode scanners actually picked up someone buying some lard.
Fat bastard finds black hole in Tesco value pie
An obese Cleethorpes man has stunned the scientific world by finding a black hole in a frozen, microwavable supermarket chicken pie. Security guard Mike Snouter was just about to bite into a family sized chicken pie from popular supermarket giant Tesco, when he noticed his mouth went all dark after the light surrounding the pie began to disappear into the center of the product.
International space station crew ready for alien sex encounters
It has been revealed that NASA scientists are launching cargo rockets full of super-safe condoms and herpes anti-viral creams into space for astronauts on the ISS, just in case they engage in any 'close encounters' with sexy alien beings.
Heston Blumenthal ready to serve up cloned woolly mammoth menu
Unconventional celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal is ready to challenge the nation's palettes once again, after striking a secret deal with Japanese scientists to get his hands on some cloned woolly mammoth meat.
Japanese scientists to resurrect top loading VHS player from DNA
An ambition plan to resurrect a 1980's top-loading video cassette player cloned from DNA found in recently discovered remains has stunned and excited the scientific community a
Woodchuck filmed chucking wood
Dramatic footage has been released of a Woodchuck chucking wood, settling the age-old question of just how much wood a Woodchuck would chuck if, indeed, it were a possibility that a Woodchuck could, as it were, chuck wood.
Geordie invents car that runs off piss
Newcastle mechanic Baz Brainfart has stunned the technology world and delighted environmentalists by unveiling a car that runs off nothing but strong lager urine.
Gloucestershire man invents working fanny magnet
Cathcart Woon, the Gloucestershire based internet guru famous for his dating tips and tricks, revealed to us yesterday that he has successfully patented a fanny magnet, a device which he claims will result in 'so many hot birds coming your way that you'll have to fight them off with a shit-covered cricket bat!'
Man arrested for masturbating over iPhone 4S in Currys
A Stockport man has been fined £500 and put on the Sex Offenders Register for no less than 3 years for masturbating over an iPhone 4S in popular High Store Currys on a busy Saturday afternoon.
Top scientists realise that they don't actually know anything
After discovering yet another 'dark, anti-matter quark-particle' that probably makes up most of the known universe by the physicists at the Large Hadron Collider, scientists all around the world today realised they actually know pretty much fuck all about the fabric of existence, reports Total Science magazine this week.
Computer users with multiple monitors warned over Marty Feldman syndrome
Web users, PC gamers and IT professionals have been warned over what is being called 'Marty Feldman' syndrome occurring when using two monitors side-by-side.
Community of people living on Shetland to avoid damaging radio waves from Fearne Cotton
A large group of people suffering from a new form of illness described as 'hyper-sensitivity to Radio 1 waves', are now living in a tiny, barren island off the north coast of Scotland in an effort to avoid the effects of harmful transmissions produced by the likes of Fearne Cotton, Chris Moyles and Sara Cox.
Bolton woman set to become millionaire after inventing Back To The Future hoverboard
A Bolton housewife is all set for fame and fortune after inventing an amazing hovering board just like off the Back To The Future movies.
