Weird Bloke in the Pub Says.. "Did you know Joanna Lumley has got a plastic bum-hole? Yeh apparently she used to dust her ring with cocaine and it burnt it off. Another round son?"
Scrounging bank on government hand-outs demand yet more of YOUR cash
A publicly-funded, formerly bankrupt bank with a severe gambling addiction - already living the high-life on state hand-outs, has demanded yet MORE of tax-payers hard earned cash.
Mitt Romney is literally a puppet, confirms specials effects company ILM
After the US presidential election dust has settled - with Barack Obama again storming ahead to a clear win - special effects technicians at FX firm 'Industrial Light and Magic' have come clean and admitted that Mitt Romney was indeed an evil puppet sent to destroy the world, as many voters suspected.
The Presidential results are in - Bank of America wins US election
The troubled Bank of America has stormed the 2013 Presidential election, winning a clear lead of 66% fake votes ahead of main rival - and former winner - Goldman Sachs.
Pippa Middletons bum to be honoured with OBE
A secret memo leaked from Buckingham Palace this week reveals that royal hottie Pippa Middleton will soon be receiving an OBE - but not for her services to pop music, industrial bearing manufacture or for her tireless work feeding starving children and doing hospital visits and that - no, for perky Pippa the honour is to be delivered straight to her mega-famous, much coveted butt cheeks!
George Osborne blames grey squirrels as the UK enters historic double-dip recession
'Chancellor of the Exchequer' George Osborne has today blamed the nation's grey squirrel population for the ever-deepening UK economic crisis, unwilling to admit that his 'omnishambles' budget and massive austerity cuts are obviously damaging to the country.
PM David Cameron to privatise dreams despite G4S Olympics blunder
David Cameron - an unelected PR professional who somehow found himself running the country a couple of years ago - is now pressing ahead with plans to privatise dreams, and even - according to Whitehall insiders - is calling for a PFI for the public's daydreams.
Ratboy ghost haunts new Rowner development
Middle-class buyers of newly built luxury homes on the former site of former 'chav capital' Rowner, near Portsmouth, claim the estate is haunted by the ghosts of several rat-boys and the belligerent spectre of a cidered-up teenage mum of twelve with a severe weight problem.
Michael Gove dummy proves big hit with Tory backbenchers
A new 'Michael Gove' ventriloquist dummy has proved a huge hit with Conservative back benchers who can't snap up the mindless puppet's effigy fast enough.
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ success has left me a nervous wreck, claims Cleethorpes man
The massive worldwide success of the kinky erotic novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey' may have set pulses racing among the women of the nation, but one particular man has been left cowering in his potting shed, defending himself from the raunchy antics of the book's legion of middle-aged, sex-crazed fans.
Alistair Darling's eyebrows have escaped and are currently being hunted by Police
BREAKING NEWS: Former Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling's eyebrows escaped from his face in the early hours of Tuesday morning are now thought to be on the run somewhere in the vast wilderness of the Cairngorms.
Stephen Hester claims he has to scavenge from supermarkets after bonus row
Following on from the IT glitch at Royal Bank of Scotland, chief executive Stephen Hester has claimed he now pays nightly visits to the waste bin areas outside of a local ASDA supermarket to scavenge food, as he can no longer afford to live the champagne lifestyle to which he has become accustomed.
David Cameron toilet paper 'too shiny and not fit for purpose'
A hugely popular novelty toilet paper has been branded as 'too shiny and of no valuable use' after leaving bums in a worse state then when they started to wipe.
Romney hopes all women's vaginas will be 'closed for business' if he becomes President
Stock photo-faced Presidential hopefully Mitt 'Willard' Romney has promised to close down vaginas up and down the US in an effort to banish Satan from people's thoughts and prevent any 'dark-sided' acts from occurring.
Leaked White House paper reveals 'everyone on Earth to be terrorist by 2015'
A document posted on the infamous Wikileaks website has revealed that the US congress are likely to consider everyone in the world who is not a Mormon ex-banker working in the White House as a 'domestic terrorist' by 2015. Any person who takes the piss out of the George Bush on Facebook, practices atheism in public without a written permit, or plays the bongos at parties will be tagged as an immediate and serious terror threat (although we might concede that last one).
Scotland erects 'Irn-Bru Curtain' to keep English bastards out
As part of its move for independence, Scottish ministers are planning to erect a wall of pissed-up, scary-friendly 'Buckie Jocks' along the border to intimidate any meddling English bastards who want to continue poking around in their affairs.
