Weird Bloke in the Pub Says.. "Did you know Joanna Lumley has got a plastic bum-hole? Yeh apparently she used to dust her ring with cocaine and it burnt it off. Another round son?"
Nick Clegg quits politics to become minicab driver
Deputy PM Nick Clegg sensationally quit his parliamentary post yesterday, telling shocked onlookers that head PM David Cameron never listens to his good ideas and is cruel to the working classes and disabled, before huffing off.
New Call of Duty game set during 2012 London Olympics
The new release of the hugely popular 'Call of Duty' game will be set at the 2012 London Olympics, shooting it up in the biggest peacetime operation the UK has ever seen.
RBS chief executive Stephen Hester found scavenging in bins outside Iceland
Poverty-stricken RBS boss Stephen Hester has been found raiding the refuse bins outside of a Hounslow branch of Iceland discount frozen foods, after turning down his £963,000 bonus last week.
Greece put up for sale in Bradford Freeads and Ebay
As the financial crisis in Greece deepens the Greek government have taken the extraordinary decision to sell the entire country and its contents for scrap.
Scientologists jubilant as miraculous image of L Ron Hubbard appears in skidmark
Hot on the recent news of the atheist miracle toast with the monkey to man sequence miraculously imprinted on it, Scientologists were rejoicing yesterday upon discovering a pair of soiled keks bearing a remarkable and no doubt supernatural scat-visage of L Ron Hubbard, who founded the religion after having a epiphany while eating a Fray Bentos curry pie as he watched Buck Rogers on the telly.
US troops prepare to invade the Mars - 'if aliens exist they definitely have WMDs' says Pentagon
We've had the War on Drugs, and the War on Terror; now the US government is planning to carpet bomb the surface of Mars, with President Obama declaring this invasion of an extraterrestrial planet, a 'War on Extremist Aliens on Mars'.
Atheists see face of evolution in toast
A group of fundamental atheists have attracted worldwide media attention after seeing the 'face of evolution' in a slice of breakfast toast.
RBS bankers say they will poo themselves if million pound bonuses are denied
Top bankers at state-owned shit tip bank RBS are threatening the government with disruptive behaviour and 'dirty protests' in the wake of the news that their multi-million pound bonus payments might be refused, or at the very least slightly decreased.
Benefits cap will help tourism by creating authentic Dickensian street urchins, say Tories
A visibly gleeful David Cameron last night justified his proposal to cap the benefits of the plebs by making it clear that such a move will bring a huge influx of cash for Britain's tourism industry. "With so many destitue children out on the streets, there will definitely be a Dickensian appeal to our foreign visitors - especially the American ones, who will no doubt be charmed by all these emaciated young cockneys asking them for a 'ha'penny for a ha-penny pudding, mistah?', and all that sort of thing."
Latest round of defence cuts sees tanks replaced with bikes that have catapults on them
As part of the MOD's drive to make the British army leaner and more efficient, defence chiefs yesterday announced that all armoured battalions will be using bikes with catapults taped to the crossbar instead of tanks, after intensive talks with military experts who used to work on The Beano, Dandy and Oor Wullie
Queen told all public can afford to give her this time is faux-gold kayak
Out of touch minister Michael Gove has been told that his pal the Queen will not be receiving a new £90million yacht for her jubilee gift from the already-stretched public purse, and instead will be offered a faux-gold fibreglass kayak and be fucking grateful.
UK police need more shouty American chief inspectors say Cameron
The PM David Cameron has come up with a novel way to improve the work performance of the UK police force - draft in angry, stressed-out black police chiefs from 1980's cop films with stomach ulcers and the D.A. on their backs.
£48 million Yorkshire lottery winning couple to quit their menial jobs
In a shock revelation today, a Pontefract couple who won a whopping £48million in the Euro lottery recently will NOT be continuing with their menial jobs as a school cleaner and doggy bin emptier for the council.
Anorak God annoyed at religious people for making his creation look less than authentic
God yesterday railed against his believers for insisting that the universe still looks artificial, despite all the effort he put in to modelling creation down to the tiniest detail. "You'd have thought the universe would've looked realistic enough by now," explained God, otherwise known as Colin Yahweh. "I mean, all that money spent on a near infinite number of Humbrol model paints just to get the fossils right, and what happens? Blooming religious nitwits who say evolution still doesn't work cos they've never seen a monkey give birth to a man!"
Antony Worrall Thompson thieving from Tesco was divine intervention says Christian group
A fringe Christian pressure group - CAGHWDAAW, or Christian's Against Gays and Heterosexuals Who Do It Up The Arse As Well - are claiming that Antony Worrell-Thompson's recent spate of thefts from supermarket chain Tesco were all due to their prayers for the popular retailer’s profits to be hit hard over Christmas being answered.
