Higgs boson is all a load of sacrilegious bollocks, say church leaders

In Science and Technology on Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Dwayne Locust Jnr was not happy when told of the amazing scientific discoveries at the Large Hadron Collider

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Today's announcement from CERN confirming that a new sub atomic particle had been observed - the long suspected Higgs boson or 'God' particle - has religious leaders around the world up in arms and smirking piously into their cups of cautiously flavourful tea.

Trendy vicar Dave Groovy from 'The Church Of Latter Day Sinners' in Taunton told us that he does not believe what the blasphemous scientists are claiming and insists the world's largest particle accelerator is nothing more than big white elephant.

"You won't find any traces of the Higgs boson in a near-light, photon-photon collision because God created the universe before the beginning of time, using His magic, and probably a snake and some ribs and that. I have no proof of this, I just feel it to be true so therefore I'm right. Now I've used the internet before because I'm a trendy vicar, and those cretins, these Whores of Babylon at CERN in their white coats might be able to actually prove their ridiculous scientific theories, but that doesn't prove anything."

However when we tried to point out that Professor Stephen Hawking has already published a theory that eliminates the necessary of a supreme deity to construct a universe from what is essentially nothing, Rev Groovy became quite defensive, telling us "...quite frankly Stephen Hawking can shove his M-theory up his haemorrhoid-ridden arse."

Catholic priest Richard Pedobear from Oxford was more forgiving regarding the astonishing discovery at CERN, which completes our scientific model of the known universe.

"Ah, God works in mysterious ways indeed. I like to think of the - if you will forgive me - 'God particle' as being like superglue that He used to stick together the universe, a bit like a big, fiddly Airfix kit. In fact the confirmation of the Higgs boson-like particle has merely solidified my faith in our Lord and that we are much, much more special than all the other animals, and I'm certain He made the universe, He is time, and He existed before all time."

Pedobear added, "Don't get me wrong though, I'm still going to chuckle facetiously at 'Walking With Dinosaurs', while trying to stop people using condoms or blokes doing each other up the anus."

Shotgun-wielding Appalachian hog-hunter Dwayne Locust Jnr - a born-again evangelical Christian - told us he holds no sway with today's astounding scientific discovery.

"The Bible don't say nothing about no Hog's bosom, he only say that I ain't evolved from no ape or monkeys, and that science ain't nothing but a load of cockamamie bullshit. Now get off my porch boy before I shoot you in the belly! Go on now!"