Man arrested for masturbating over iPhone 4S in Currys

In Science and Technology on Sunday, 23 October 2011

IT engineer Mark Linux choked his monkey to this sexy bitch

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A Stockport man has been fined £500 and put on the Sex Offenders Register for no less than 3 years for masturbating over an iPhone 4S in popular High Street store Currys on a busy Saturday afternoon.

Mark Linux - an IT engineer - was reported to police after witnesses saw a trendy-bearded man in his early thirties man-handling one of the new phones put on display, who then preceded to pull down his jeans and briskly rub his turgid penis until he became fully aroused, while emitting noises like a pig hunting truffles.

Shocked onlookers had to hide their children's eyes as the man continued to jerk off over the new shiny technology until police officers arrived and escorted Mr Linux from the premises. An officer from Greater Manchester Police described how the man had been seen to be 'unboxing' the new phone while recording it on his camera phone for YouTube, before unzipping his fly and pulling out his manhood.

"Mr Linux then committed an act of gross public indecency, culminating in a small quantity of semen being forcibly ejected from the crown, going all over the brand new merchandise on display. The manager of the store was forced to sell the phone as 'shop soiled' for a considerable discount."

A spokesman for Apple - manufacturers of the newly-released device, told us it was not an entirely unexpected act and it was just a matter of time really before someone knocked one out over their latest phones. "Look at it, it's sexier than Mila Kunis in hot pants - I don't blame the guy at all. I have the latest white 4S model and I'm touching myself right now while stroking the gorgeous, high-definition capacitive glass screen, mmm."