All England Lawn Tennis Association hoping for English victory at Wimbledon after scientific breakthrough

In Sport on Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Tennis ace Andy Murray utilizing a kazoo to great tactical effect

The All England Lawn Tennis Association today announced that they are confident of an English winner at this year’s Wimbledon Championships after years of scientific study seem to have borne fruit.

The LTA discovered many years ago that scientists were trying to find a way to recycle the millions of Fred Perry sports shirts discarded by teenagers when they reached maturity and funded research into removing the “English spirit” embedded in these shirts through the sweat of active teens who wore them.

The scientists have now perfected the extraction method and have come up with a bottled version of a pheromone which will be sprayed on Andy Murray during every drinks break at this year’s championship. Apparently the pheromone increased performance and battling abilities, giving users that great English ability of knowing they are better than the opposition.

When it was pointed out to the LTA that Andy Murray was in fact Scottish their spokesman Major-General Sir Justin Herringbone-Windsor-Smythe said that this was not a concern; “Obviously we would prefer an English born gentleman to win this year’s Wimbledon but as there are currently no Englishmen playing tennis above an under 12s level this isn’t possible. But of course, much like all Scotsmen Mr. Murray has always wanted to be English so he welcomes this with open arms. Naturally Mr. Murray will be English when he wins Wimbledon but if by some stroke of bad luck he does not win he will of course remain Scottish.