Professor Stephen Hawking fined for speeding in his hi-tech wheelchair

In Latest News on Sunday, 12 June 2011

Professor Stephen Hawkin's turbo charged chair with dump valve and phat rims featured in this month's Max Power magazine

Professor Stephen Hawking, famous for his theorems regarding gravitational singularies in the framework of general relativity, was yesterday convicted at Penge magistrates court for speeding in his really cool cybernetic wheelchair during a drag race against a pensioner in a mobility buggy.

Despite being fined £300, Hawking - noted for supplying a mathematical proof that any black hole is fully described by the three properties of mass, angular momentum and electrical charge - remained unrepentant. "MY-WHEELS-ARE-WELL-PHAT-GEEZER," he said, in that funny Speak-and-Spell robot voice yesterday. "I-HAVE-WELL-SPENT-A-MINT-ON-MY-MOTOR. I-GOT-A-CELESTION-SUB-WOOFER-UNDER-MY-SEAT-WHICH-IS-WAY-UP-FOR-SOME-BANGING-BEATS. I-GOT-THE-FULL-WORKS-MATE. AND-COS-I-AM-WAY-CLEVER-I-PLUMBED-IN-AN-ANNIHILATION-REACTOR-ENGINE-WHICH-GIVES-ME-ALL-DA-REVS-I-NEED-TO-LEAVE-ANY-UVVER MUPPET-EATING-MY-RUBBER."

According to witnesses, Hawking - renowned for discovering a particular form of emitted radiation which could signify the presence of a black hole to radio telescopes - sidled up beside the the mobilty cart of Peggy Cleftsore, 98, at the pedestrian crossing in Penge High Street, and began gunning the motor of his wheelchair while waiting for the lights to change - a clear sign, said eyewitnesses, that the Professor of Lucasian Mathematics at Cambridge was laying down a drag-race challenge to the retired dinner lady, who seemed rather confused about it all when we spoke to her.

"Stephen who?" she asked, when we questioned her. "Is that the one who lives down the road with his funny mum? What, who's a professor?" she continued, fiddling with her hearing aid. "I'm with doctor Chakraboty. He's an Indian, but one of them nice ones."

Deciding to leave Mrs Cleftsore to it, we approached another witness who saw the event. "Well, that Davros bloke got off the kerb like he had a V2 up his arse when the lights changed," said Dave Monkey, who saw everyfink apparently. "Never seen anyfink move as fast as that - 'cept when I was videoing my brother stickin' it to his missus and he blurted out her sister's name. Anyways, the bloke in the wheelchair 'ad already gone through the plate glass windows of the Betfred on the other side of the road before I'd even finished a drag off me fag. An' the old girl had only got half her buggy onto the road by that time. Funniest thing I ever seen - well, 'cept when I was videoing my brother stickin' it to his sister-in-law against a tree in the park, and this dog came up behind him and stuck his nose right up his -"

Deciding to leave Mr Monkey to it, we again approached Professor Hawking - renowned for applying the Heiselberg uncertainty principle to the vacuum, and elucidating the theory of quantum fluctuation as a result - only to find him engaged in a photo shoot for Max Power magazine, with a bikini model draped across his lap.

"Oh yes, I remember now," said Peggy Cleftsore, when we gave her one last try. "Funny little man in a wheelchair raced me yesterday. Aw, it's a shame for them, isn't it. I let him win, you know."