Shock exclusive: we reveal why Elton John's wig seems to hover an inch above his head.

In Entertainment on Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Using state of the art software imaging thing do-da, we can exclusively reveal over-head, under-rug funghi garnish.

In an exclusive interview with us yesterday, Elton John's partner David Thingumybob at last revealed why comically-bespectacled superstar's unpersuasive rug appears to float about an inch above his scalp. And it turns out that the shocking reason for this is down to the fact that Lord Elton has MUSHROOMS growing out of the top of his HEAD!

"Elton wants it known about now," said David Whathisname. "He was worried that all this speculation about his gravity-defying mop might lead to a possible twittery injuction thing, like what happened with Gordon Ramsay and his thigh bracken, and rather than get all stressed about it, he just wants it out in the open and done with. And he's feeling better about it already, it has to be said."

Speculation - or should that be spectacle-ation, ha ha - began when Elton, who always seemed pretty comfortable with the idea of becoming a naked-noggined slaphead baldy suddenly took to a toupee. And a very unconvincing one at that. And when it started to seem as though his turgid thatch was resting in not quite the position it should do if the normal laws of physics were to apply, people began to wonder just what, exactly, was going on with Elton John's head.

It turned out that what was going on was a terrible outbreak of follicular funghi. "It's a little known condition," explained David Effimsureitbeginswithaneff. "And it's very embarrasing too. The sufferers will often try to hide it with wigs and hats, but then they just get caught in a vicious circle, because as you know, mushrooms grow in the dark. And then they'll get depressed and hide in adarkened room all the time. Which, of course, will make the mushrooms grow even more. It's tragic, really."

There is hope for Lord Elt, however, as David Furniturenoimsureitsfurniture expounded: "Though the doctors said there's no cure at present, the condition can be managed quite easily, by simple recourse to a regular cropping. It's not painful, and can actually have some benefits, especially when you cook the mushrooms with a little garlic, butter and white wine. I'd recommend adding a slice of black pudding when pan-frying them too, as this really brings out the earthy flavour."

"FURNISH!" we yelled at him just then. "It's Furnish, isn't it?!"

"Don't you mean 'garnish'?" replied David Furnish. "I'd recommend rocket. But then Elton's always been a bit
of a 'rocket man', ha ha."