George Osborne blames grey squirrels as the UK enters historic double-dip recession
'Chancellor of the Exchequer' George Osborne has today blamed the nation's grey squirrel population for the ever-deepening UK economic crisis, unwilling to admit that his 'omnishambles' budget and massive austerity cuts are obviously damaging to the country.
The highly-qualified and experienced politician - who has a GCSE in home economics and once spent a whole day working polishing polo helmets in his youth - claims that there are too many squirrels running around the countryside and he suspects that they are stealing and burying all the money that the government are trying to put into friendly local UK businesses, such as Libor-rigging corporate banks and mercenary private security companies.
Tufty - a grey squirrel from the New Forest, Hampshire - claims this is utter horseshit, and yet another attempt by the Tory government to pass the blame for the damaging effects of an incompetent and corrupt leadership. Speaking from his modest oak tree home near Burley, the father of twenty told us "that Cameron and Osborne have got their Eton heads up their arses. There are no bloody jobs or accessible business finance and export help, that's why the economy is in a bad way. These government tossers couldn't organise a blowjob in a brothel."
The Chancellor has proposed a massive, nationwide cull of all grey squirrels, despite a lack of proven, scientific evidence that they do any damage beyond what’s whispered in folklore – thus following the exact model of the recent badger cull legislation passed by the Conservative government.
The 'Secret Squirrel Sanitisation Scheme' or ‘S.S.S.S.’ for short, will be outsourced to global rogue tradesmen G4S at a cost of £3.5billion, who will take the unseemly bundle of cash and piss it up down the pub, just after forgetting to hire any beleaguered staff to do the actual work.
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