PM David Cameron to privatise dreams despite G4S Olympics blunder

In Latest News on Wednesday, 18 July 2012

PM David Cameron and Home Secretary Theresea May absolutely deny they will make any money from privatising dreams. Flatly deny. No chance at all.

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David Cameron - an unelected PR professional who somehow found himself running the country a couple of years ago - is now pressing ahead with plans to privatise dreams, and even - according to Whitehall insiders - is calling for a PFI for the public's daydreams.

'Piss up in a brewery' cock-up merchants G4S are in the running for the £25billion contract to take over the supply of people's dreams, with company shareholder MP Theresa May a big advocate for abolishing public dreaming and bringing in 'a more efficient unconscious life-simulation system'.

Speaking from a sail barge somewhere on the desert planet of Tatooine, the Home Secretary told 'Dreams and Dreamer' magazine that outsourcing the nation's night-time fantasies would create a better end-user experience, and some people may even experience an improvement in their dreams, if they are happen to be usually pretty crap.

G4S are proposing a three-tier dream allowance, depending on your social status and income. The working classes and 'underclass' would receive three standard dreams on random rotation, all with corporate product placements built-in, including:

The dream where I had sex with my bull mastiff then woke up feeling all icky and weird.

The dream where I was being stung in the kidney by a giant wasp.

The dream where I'm riding a Raleigh Chopper down the High Street aged 11, chased by my dad who weirdly has Albert Einstein's face.

The middle classes will enjoy up to five dreams, ranging from an anxiety dream about slicing off their willy in a piece of ethereal, Tim Burton-esque machinery, to the one where you wake up in a cold sweat after imagining you just wrote the opening verse 'Singing In The Rain' and was about to become rich and move to Hollywood to embark on a lifestyle of luxury and deceit.

The upper classes and ruling elites will only be offered over one hundred dream scenarios, most of which involve blasting away at small furry animals with an over-sized gun, not getting caught and pissing on hippies in shop doorways.

Enthusiastic supporter of the proposals and lifelong dreamer David Cameron told us it was time the public stopped enjoyed their own wide range of unique and subjective dreams, and started to knuckle down to more sensible dreams about corporate wish-fulfilment in these times of austerity and the nation's deficit.

"Let me be quite clear about this, we are all in this nightmare together, if we give you dreams about drinking Coke and eating Snickers, you should think yourselves lucky. Only yesterday I dreamed about riding Rebekah Brooke's horse to Stephen Hester's mansion and when I got there he had Aphex twin's face and served that cow that wanted to be eaten from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy'. I woke up very disturbed and quite confused, and frankly I would be happy to have a more efficient and predictable privatised dream about driving the latest BMW any day!"