'I was victim of the Scientologists just like Katie Holmes' claims Wigan man

In Entertainment on Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Grub claims Scientologist weirdos have made his life a living hell, just like glamorous Katie Holmes

A 52 year old warehouse assistant from Wigan has claimed that creepy Scientologist members have made his life a living hell ever since divorcing his estranged wife Janet.

Dave Grub - who divorced his wife of 5 years in April following an argument over some chocolate digestive biscuits - told friends and family how he is now regularly intimidated by Church of Scientology members who seem to follow him everywhere he goes.

Grub - a registered alcoholic - told us how the creepy Scientologists have kept him in fear over the past few months.

"The buggers won't leave me alone. It all started when I was married, we watched that crap 'Battlefield Earth' film on Channel 4 one evening. Well the wife got the idea in her head that she wants to be a Scientologist like that John Travolta, 'cause she used to fancy him when she was teenager."

"Next thing I know she on the phone to California asking them about Scientology and that, and whether if she joins up they will let her meet John Travolta or that Tom Cruise. She was like a woman possessed, so I told her she was a bloody head-case and when I discovered she had scoffed all my digestives well that was the final straw, I kicked her fat arse out the house there and then, and she buggered off crying to her sister's place."

Since then Mr Grub has received threatening phone calls from an unknown number with a Los Angeles area code, and has been pursued by strange 'men in suits'.

"A couple of weeks after the wife was gone, I had a phone call at 2am in the morning from an American number. The woman on the end of phone told me that someone called 'Janice' had left a message a while ago wanting to speak to 'John Travolta off the television'. I told her she could piss off and that I was on nights at the warehouse. It was only when I put the phone down I realised - it must of been them Scientologist weirdos stalking me!"

Just a few days later, Mr Grub experienced a disturbing incident at his local pub involving a couple of very odd 'men in suits'.

"I was just on my fifth pint of the morning at my local boozer down the road, when these 2 fellas came in, dressed all smart. Well I knew something was up, because to be honest most people who drink here can't even be arsed to change out of their pyjamas."

"Anyway, these blokes told me they were from 'The Brewery', and asked if I would like to take part in a survey to win an iPad. Well I knew straight away who they really were - sinister henchmen of the Church of Scientology come to convert me to their alien-worshipping ways! So I threw a couple of good punches and karate kicks at 'em, but I missed and just fell on the floor and soiled myself as usual."

After things turned ugly, Mr Grub had to be physically ejected from the Dog and Bollocks pub on Cutthroat Lane, Wigan, and was found the next day sleeping in the gutter of the local dual carriageway, being pissed on by a badger.

A spokesperson from the Church of Scientology told us they had no records of a Dave Grub on their database, but would be happy to show us a little video of Scientology with Tom Cruise that could open our eyes to how Dianetics could give us a new and better reality, at which point we ran off, screaming 'mentalists'.