‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ success has left me a nervous wreck, claims Cleethorpes man
The massive worldwide success of the kinky erotic novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey' may have set pulses racing among the women of the nation, but one particular man has been left cowering in his potting shed, defending himself from the raunchy antics of the book's legion of middle-aged, sex-crazed fans.
Unemployed sewage treatment worker Ralph Dring, told us exclusively how the spicy novel has created armies of lusty females who will not leave him alone, and demand he perform endless acts of sordid BDSM, spanking, whipping and bum games.
The 58 year old - who suffers from acute Münchausen’s syndrome and chronically engorged piles - has had to take shelter in his potting shed and arm himself with a lawn rake to fend off the lusty advances of the book's millions of wild-eyed female readers.
In an exclusive excerpt from his 27-page memoir "The Sanctuary of My Potting Shed", Mr Dring reveals how it was the naughty neighbours who first started making his life hell with their spicy demands.
"To most blokes it sounds like a dream come true - having all these cock-hungry middle-aged housewives coming at you with their fist dildos and spanking paddles - but let me tell you the novelty wears off pretty damn quickly."
The plucky hero described his first encounter with a sex-crazed 'Fifty Shades Sex Zombie'.
"It was my neighbour's missus who was first to fall victim to this cult and start demanding sordid sex games. I was re-seeding some geraniums in my shed at the time and I could see over the garden fence that this woman was getting very hot under the collar. Of course then I clocked the book she was reading - Fifty Shades of Grey. I heard all about that filthy book and what those women get up to in it, and quite frankly having my buttocks slapped with a kayak oar is not my cup of tea, thank you very much."
"Anyway, next thing I know there was a knock at my front door, and when I answered there was the neighbour - dressed only in some trousers, a shirt, a cardigan, big scarf, some socks and shoes, and well I thought, "Hello - what's all this then?" Next thing is she's only asking to borrow some sandpaper! And straight away I knew what this meant - she wanted to sandpaper the end of my cock, the kinky bugger!"
Opening a packet of Tesco Fruit Shrewburys, Mr Dring described how things got spicier from there on.
"Just after defending myself from the sex-crazed woman next door with my dibber, about 10 minutes later there was another knock at my door! Well I had just climbed out of the bath and was about to rub some Preparation H into my Emma Freuds, so let's just say I was not happy to have to answer the door in my birthday suit with me grapes hanging down."
"You can imagine my surprise when who is at the door - only another sex-hungry dominatrix dressed as a policewoman, and sporting a pair of shiny metal handcuffs on her hip! Well that was the final straw, I squirted her in the face with my pile cream and screamed '..leave my knob alone you sex-crazed whore'!”
“Before I could even put my clothes back on I was being whisked away in an armoured police transit van."
The next encounter took place in HMP Parkhurst, where Mr Dring was serving 6 months for assaulting a police officer.
"It was only my first week in prison, and I was just getting used to the routine, you know. I’d found a job transferring petunia seedlings from the trays to the pots in the greenhouse, so that kept me busy. Anyway, one day this big, butch looking woman calling herself ‘Glenda’ came out to where I was working, and after some small talk told me she wanted to make me her personal 'doughnut bitch-gimp'. Well straight away I knew what book she had just read - Fifty Shades of Grey!"
Mr Dring was too distraught to tell us what happened in prison with Glenda, and would only say that he would never look at a Krispy Kreme quite the same way again.
On leaving prison Mr Dring is now a prisoner again - this time in his own potting shed.
"I'm ready for them this time - with a whole trilogy of those kinky books due out I'm absolutely terrified of what those rampaging women will do to me next. All I'll say is no one is whacking my testicles with snooker balls, wiring me nipples to a car battery or bungee-jumping off my bell-end again - it has to stop!"
Other recent stories...
Outside Toilet humbly offer these hand-picked comedy products you'll like if you enjoy our style of humour...