Stephen Hester claims he has to scavenge from supermarkets after bonus row

In Latest News on Tuesday, 3 July 2012

So sad Hester will never again taste the succulent flesh of a fine white Waldorf truffle

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Following on from the IT glitch at Royal Bank of Scotland, chief executive Stephen Hester has claimed he now pays nightly visits to the waste bin areas outside of a local ASDA supermarket to scavenge food, as he can no longer afford to live the champagne lifestyle to which he has become accustomed.

Big-hearted Hester found it in his kind nature to turn down a £2.4million bonus, after a recent massive IT glitch meant seven thousand customers of bailed-out bank RBS and Natwest could not draw out their own money for food or to pay their mortgage. This comes after Hester allegedly paid his 16 year old nephew a tenner to update their entire global banking software because he was good at making websites at school.

The computer problems come hot on the heals of the bank being investigated for mis-selling complex financial instruments to small business customers, and RBS is also talking with regulators over the investigation into the Libor interest rate manipulation scandal.

Hester - who lives on a cloud way above everyone else so he can look down his pig-like snout at them - told us rejecting his bonus meant the golden, champagne-soaked days of eating quails eggs and Beluga caviar from the hollowed-out skull of a giant panda will now be over.

"With my meagre £1.2million yearly RBS salary I'll probably have to live off everyday food like Findus Crispy Pancakes and drive a silver Ford Focus, like ordinary people do, like a fucking pig." Added the moon-faced banker.