Leaked White House paper reveals 'everyone on Earth to be terrorist by 2015'

In Latest News on Monday, 5 March 2012

T.I.T.S. - or 'Terrorist Initiative Tactical Service' ready to double tap any do-gooding, left-winger atheists

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A document posted on the infamous Wikileaks website has revealed that the US congress are likely to consider everyone in the world who is not a Mormon ex-banker working in the White House as a 'radicalised terrorist' by 2015.

Any person who takes the piss out of the George Bush on Facebook, practices atheism in public without a written permit, or plays the bongos at parties will be tagged as an immediate and serious terror threat (although we might concede that last one).

It was also discovered that the Pentagon is spending over $980trillion on recruiting several million obese sadists and murderous rednecks to form a heavily-armoured 'super police' team called T.I.T.S. - or the 'Terrorist Initiative Tactical Service'. It is hoped these brave psychopaths - assisted by an arsenal of powerful tanks and high-tech drones kindly donated by Monsanto - will be able to quickly round up and brutally suppress anyone who grows their own vegetables, drives a Prius and doesn't particularly want a 'transvaginal scan'.

The document quotes a leading US intelligence officer as saying, "Obviously everyone who doesn't agree with what we say is a potential terrorist, and we need to smoke them out. Our tactical defence teams will travel the world to find and bring to justice these free thinking book-learners. I believe many of these so called 'liberals' do not own automatic rifles and believe it's OK to say what you want on Twitter. We need to prove to the world that this is not the case, and we will use lethal force."

The US Air Force are already preparing huge 'Yurt-buster' bombs to drop on hippy communes and state-of-the-art 'Hummus-guided tactical missiles’ to hone in on middle-class households who read Richard Dawkins and have solar panels on their roof.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron supported the measures, claiming that 'everyone who watches Channel 4 news, shops at Holland & Barrett or thinks I'm a cock is most likely a terrorist."