Scotland erects 'Irn-Bru Curtain' to keep English bastards out

In Latest News on Saturday, 18 February 2012

The wall of aggressive Scottish pissheads will hopefully keep out wee English cunts

As part of its move for independence, Scottish ministers are planning to erect a wall of pissed-up, scary-friendly 'Buckie Jocks' along the border to intimidate any meddling English bastards who want to continue poking around in their affairs.

Supermarkets across the Scotland have been recruiting belligerent drunks from the spirits aisle to help with the effort, along with any glued-up skinheads who are found loitering around the derelict bus station at the Possilpark estate.

First Minister Alex Salmon hopes the wall of friendly-aggressive Rangers psychopaths will at the very least keep David Cameron out, who is about as welcome as a fart in a crowded lift.

Salmon - who is named after a fish popular in Scottish, which is a bit like our PM being called David Cod - explained why he doesn't want any more English involvement in Scottish governance.

"Well Great Britain is getting a bit shit these days to be honest, and we seem to have good ideas and make real positive progress when Westminster isn't looking. Also, David Cameron wants to put more tax on alcohol to combat 'the scandal of binge drinking'. He doesn't appear to understand that drinking heavily is a basic human right and being drunk is one of the few innate pleasures the human race has been gifted with, along with good sex and devouring a fresh chocolate éclair."

"The sooner we separate our tax laws the better," added a slightly tipsy Salmon.

English ministers were saddened that they would no longer be allowed bully around Scotland, a country which appears to be happy not to be part of a sovereign state that is a bit rubbish now. Analysts predict that Great Britain will be demoted to being called 'Good Britain', and if Wales decided to jump ship as well, it will be renamed 'Meh Britain'.