Nick Clegg quits politics to become minicab driver
Deputy PM Nick Clegg sensationally quit his parliamentary post yesterday, telling shocked onlookers that head PM David Cameron never listens to his good ideas and is cruel to the working classes and disabled, before huffing off.
Lib Dem leader Clegg, 23, handed in his notice, explaining that it was so unfair that David gets to make all the important announcements on television and go to plush dinners with Vodafone and that lot, while all he gets to do is go around local authority hospices to smile sweetly at dementia-ridden old ladies who tell him racist things.
The former politician - who has slept with no more than 300 women - has already applied to several minicab firms in the Westminster area of London, and is planning to by a used Ford Mondeo with his severance money to use as a taxi.
Speaking from a local Jobcentre where he had gone to sign on, Clegg told us: "I don't feel bitter - I might of been the popular choice for PM with my common touch while that greasy-headed weasel managed to somehow get to the post before me, but it's fine, it's fine. David is giving me a £2,500 leaving cheque and a tin of Roses as a goodwill gesture for all my hard work being a pretend Prime Minister. For that I am grateful at least - it will help towards the Mondeo."
Proper PM David Cameron announced that he was delighted that Clegg was leaving, so he could finally have all the poor and unwashed people of the UK euphemised. "It was always going to be troublesome cleaning the streets of the unemployable rabble who smell like a Barnardos shop while that Guardian reading, human-rights upholding liberal was around. Our Police can now get to work making Britain a quieter, safer place for all us poshos free from those chanting hippies or the bothersome, chained-up wheelchair ones who try to spoil our jolly, austerity-measuring fun."
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