Weird Bloke in the Pub Says.. "You know that AIDS? It was some dirty bugger shagging a monkey that caused that. Makes my guts turn thinking of it - he must of been desperate to fuck a monkey. Barp!"
Scientologists jubilant as miraculous image of L Ron Hubbard appears in skidmark
Bare Arsed Messiah: the smelly simulacrum of L Ron Hubbard, though we reckon it looks a bit like Noddy Holder too. Or even Van Morrison.
Hot on the recent news of the atheist miracle toast with the monkey to man sequence miraculously imprinted on it, Scientologists were rejoicing yesterday upon discovering a pair of soiled keks bearing a remarkable and no doubt supernatural scat-visage of L Ron Hubbard, who founded the religion after having a epiphany while eating a Fray Bentos curry pie as he watched Buck Rogers on the telly.
"This just goes to show that Dianetics and our new science of thought really is the business," said scientologist Milton Cremulator, who looks a lot like the tall creepy one who stands outside the scientology souvenir shop on London's Tottenham Court Road. "We have no doubt that this is a mystical affirmation of L Ron, who was not only a prophet, but an award winning science-fiction writer, an Indiana Jones style adventurer and an accredited professor with a large cock. And if you don't believe us, we'll sue you to show that we're right."
The portentious poop-stain was discovered in Penge last Friday night, when Dave Sockbender - a 45 year old scaffolder off on the sick with his back and that - had a case of the shits after spending the previous evening getting dosed up on a XXX-hot pigeon phaal vindaloo and twelve cans of Stella each followed by an absinthe chaser. "By the time I was on my seventh arse chunder, I had already gone through three pairs of underpants," he explained yesterday. "I would have thrown this pair out too, if I hadn't noticed that face in my skids. Believing it surely a prophetic visitation from the divine, I went around my road showing the neighbours my dirties, but none of them recognised who it was until I got to Kirsty Alley's house. Being a scientologist, she was so amazed she nearly fell out of her own body-fat, and very soon she had invited all her scientologist pals around like John Travolta and that funny little one...you know, what's his name...been on the telly and that. Damn, I'm sure you'd know his face if you saw him. Bloody hell, what was his name? Anyway, he came round too, and they all agreed that my mucky cacks were a holy relic, and they very kindly asked me to join their religion. As a result, my engrams were audited, the Operating Thetan successfully taken out of me, and now I'm one of those really nice Clears with nothing left in the bank account."
The shitty undies were last night said to be on display at the Scientologists' West Sussex headquarters, where - as with the Shroud of Turin -they have since become known as the Skids of East Grinstead.
Futher excitement emerged later on when a Reigate man claimed one of his garden gnomes had miraculously taken on the countenance of Scientology holy man Tom Cruise, with disappointment following soon after when it was revealed it really was the diminutive actor, who was getting into the role for the next Mission Impossible film by sneaking into the man's garden to scrump some apples. Not to be outdone, adherents of the rival cult of the Reunificiation Church this morning announced that they had discovered a pair trousers belonging to a Dagenham tramp bearing a fortnight old wank stain on them that looked just like the face of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
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