Derek Accordian's red Indian spirit guide 'Sam' killed by U.S. cavalry in the afterlife

In Entertainment on Monday, 30 January 2012

Derek's red Indian spirit guide 'Sam' - whose name means 'one who talks to scouse white man with forked tongue'

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Leading spiritualist medium Derek Accordian was in mourning yesterday after hearing the news that his faithful red Indian 'spirit guide' Sam had been attacked and killed in Heaven by a garrison of U.S. cavalry troops.

The popular compulsive liar has been close to the dead Native American for the last 20 years, after meeting through the veil on a weekend mini-break to the famed destination. Addressing a huge press conference outside of his £8million Toxteh home, the gifted medium told us, "Sam and I just got along like a house on fire since the beginning. He has faithfully fed me tip bits of information about departed relatives whose names begin with a 'b' or 'd' for many years. He always had a good word to say about dead relatives and friends; even the evil, spiteful ones. I just can't believe he has died yet again in the afterlife - he will be sadly missed by all."

Accordian, 81 - who rose to fame playing one of the Boswell brothers in the 80's sitcom 'Bread' - has garnered a huge following of lonely and vulnerable people whilst appearing in TV's 'Most Haunted Pubs' comedy show.

Reports from beyond the grave indicate that Sam's tribe where set upon by a large number of Federal troops who hosed them down with a Gatlin gun while they were all off their tits on raw opiates. Sam leaves behind a wizened-face widow, a collection of fine bear skins and a big pipe stuffed with hallucinogenic leaves and chicken feathers.

We asked some Christians what happens if you die a second time in Heaven, but they weren't too sure. They said you probably go to another Heaven, floating a bit above the one you were just in.