Derek Accordian's red Indian spirit guide 'Sam' killed by U.S. cavalry in the afterlife
Leading spiritualist medium Derek Accordian was in mourning yesterday after hearing the news that his faithful red Indian 'spirit guide' Sam had been attacked and killed in Heaven by a garrison of U.S. cavalry troops.
The popular compulsive liar has been close to the dead Native American for the last 20 years, after meeting through the veil on a weekend mini-break to the famed destination. Addressing a huge press conference outside of his £8million Toxteh home, the gifted medium told us, "Sam and I just got along like a house on fire since the beginning. He has faithfully fed me tip bits of information about departed relatives whose names begin with a 'b' or 'd' for many years. He always had a good word to say about dead relatives and friends; even the evil, spiteful ones. I just can't believe he has died yet again in the afterlife - he will be sadly missed by all."
Accordian, 81 - who rose to fame playing one of the Boswell brothers in the 80's sitcom 'Bread' - has garnered a huge following of lonely and vulnerable people whilst appearing in TV's 'Most Haunted Pubs' comedy show.
Reports from beyond the grave indicate that Sam's tribe where set upon by a large number of Federal troops who hosed them down with a Gatlin gun while they were all off their tits on raw opiates. Sam leaves behind a wizened-face widow, a collection of fine bear skins and a big pipe stuffed with hallucinogenic leaves and chicken feathers.
We asked some Christians what happens if you die a second time in Heaven, but they weren't too sure. They said you probably go to another Heaven, floating a bit above the one you were just in.
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