Sesame Street crew sue Gillian McKeith for putting Cookie Monster on mung bean & beansprout biscuit diet

In Entertainment on Saturday, 28 January 2012

Shit sniffing TV doc Gillian McKeith looking radiantly healthy whilst Cookie Monster farts like a tractor, yesterday.

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Big bird, Count Von Count and other Sesame Street characters filed a lawsuit against TV nutritionist and faeces-fingering naggy bint Dr Gillian McKeith yesterday, claiming that ever since she put Cookie Monster on a healthy, wholefood bean cookie diet, his farts have made their lives a misery.

"It's terrible, we can't just work in these conditions," exclaimed an exasperated Big Bird last night. "I mean, I'm tall, but even I can't escape the stink. And I'm pretty sure the miasma is slowly turning my feathers into the sort of yellow that you'd normally associate with industrial toxic effluvia. This really can't go on, you know. "

"Ya," said Count Von Count. "Cookie Monster did two-hundred and seventy-five butt-grunts today, und zey all smelled like something had crawled up his ass und died. Zanks to zat Gillian McKeith, ze only cookies I'm counting now are air-biscuits!"

Cookie Monster's change in diet came about after he appeared on You Are What You Eat, the well-known television programme where Gillian McKeith advises people how to be as healthy as she is, and therefore end up looking like the bit of mutant battery hen that didn't make it into a McDonald's Chicken McNugget. Upon dissecting and examining one of Cookie Monster's shits, the robustly withered TV doctor pronounced his stool as being 'a lot like the inside of a Cadbury's Boost bar - you know, that sort of creepy stuff that reminds you of the crumbly white dog turds you used to sniff as a kid. Or was it just me that did that?' As a result, Cookie Monster, being incapable of eating anything but cookies, was cunningly placed on a wholesome diet of biscuits made out of mung beans, lentils, beansprouts and parts of Daniel O'Donnell, instead of ones containing only dust, sugar, hydrogenated fats and processed polyps excised from Carrot-Top. Unfortunately, she didn't realise that an exclusive diet of superfood snacks was liable flood the local atmosphere with more methane than a Beijing sewer-treatment plant.

Dr McKeith was unavailable for comment yesterday, being otherwise engaged in slapping down a fatty for eating too many dirty pies. There was no response from Cookie Monster either, simply because we didn't want to get anywhere near the smelly bastard.

On a possibly unrelated note, the price of Cadbury's Boost bars went up last night, owing to a scarcity of ingredients, according to a company spokeman. At the same time, the cost of frozen supermarket Chinese spring rolls went down, though no one was prepared to say why.