Fat bastard finds black hole in Tesco value pie

In Science and Technology on Monday, 16 January 2012

The less-than-succulent pie containing the offending black hole, and below pie eater Mr Snouter

An obese Cleethorpes man has stunned the scientific world by finding a black hole in a frozen, microwavable supermarket chicken pie. Security guard Mike Snouter was just about to bite into a family sized chicken pie from popular supermarket giant Tesco, when he noticed his mouth went all dark as the light surrounding the pie began to disappear into the center of the product.

As Mr Snouter chewed further he noticed his lips began to stretch and deform as they where sucked toward an event horizon, which appeared to be located in the middle of the pastry-covered comestible. It was then that the security guard - who also has a masters degree in applied particle physics - realised that a black hole had somehow got baked into the center of the pie, instead of the usual meat, peas, gravy and steam.

"I've had some stingy pies in my time, but this one takes the biscuit. I know usually you are lucky to find a dribble of gravy and single, lonely pie inside a value frozen pie, but finding a black hole containing an atom-sized singularity is taking the piss a bit."

"I'll be getting my frozen pies from Iceland in future. I'm not sure what type of meat is in them, but at least I know I wont find a inescapable gravitational entity instead of a proper filling," added the hungry bloater.

After receiving a formal complaint from Cleethorpes Trading Standards, a spokesperson from Tesco told us that an investigation will be launched at the factory where the product was made. The supermarket also acted on a similar complaint made last year, when a small quantity of highly volatile 'anti-matter' was discovered inside of an 18p own brand 'cup noodle', albeit significantly improving the flavour.