Gloucestershire man invents working fanny magnet
Cathcart Woon, the Gloucestershire based internet guru famous for his dating tips and tricks, revealed to us yesterday that he has successfully patented a fanny magnet, a device which he claims will result in 'so many hot birds coming your way that you'll have to fight them off with a shit-covered cricket bat!'
"As you can see, it's basically a simple shoebox," he said, showing us the prototype. "One that's been specifically refined to attract women, by me writing 'Jimmy Choo' over the original label in black marker, because originally it had an orthopedic shoe in it. Inside you'll find some chocolate, some photos of kittens and puppies, a voucher for a pair of genuine Uggs, and a fresh cream cake with 'low calorie' written on the packaging.”
The pale-skinned lady killer – an accusation that was eventually thrown out of court - added, “Of course, you will have to regularly replace the cake if you want the fanny magnet to work effectively - but as you can see, these are all things which a pretty much guaranteed to attract the attention of the willowy and winsome boob-bearers with the skin that smells all nice of roses."
Mr Woon kindly offered us a demonstration of how it works, displaying his incredible knowledge of feminine social habits and demographics. "All you do is stand somewhere close to where the minge-mantels congregate - like a bingo hall or a place where they sell hoovers - and simply hold out the box and wait. Oh and don’t forget to take lots of condoms."
Hanging about outside a local Currys, we soon began to get results as Mr Woon held out his magnet to any passing female. "Yeah, she was definitely well up for it," he said, as a woman walked by and gave the box a quick sidelong glance. Another woman soon passed - in the company of a man - at which Mr Woon remarked that he would have been well in there if it wasn't for her boyfriend. When one female went by without looking at either us or the box, Mr Woon explained that this was because she was probably a lesbian, and that the magnet isn't effective on them unless you replace the Uggs voucher with one for a pair of pink Dr Martens. In any case, the internet rude-guru soon hit pay dirt when a woman pushing a shopping trolley full of cat-litter and who looked like Albert Steptoe in drag engaged us in conversation.
"Ooh, that's interesting…" she/he said, remarking on the contents of the box, "would you like to have sex with me?" Mr Woon said he'd eagerly oblige, at which point the woman informed him that her uterine coil receives radio transmissions from Fidel Castro and that she had a Martian family living in her anus.
"Looney Poon still counts bro!" declared Mr Woon, giving us the thumbs up as he explained that he had already had a great deal of interest in his invention, including enquiries from world famous statesmen such as the priapic premier of Italy Silvio Berlusconi and butch German chancellor Angela Merkel.
A beta version of Mr Woon's fanny magnet is already available online, priced just $199.99, through affiliated 'Playa' websites and pick-up artist forums where seduction experts go to give advice on how to seduce women into giving you their mobile phone numbers which later turn out to be Scott Mills on Radio 1.
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