Top scientists realise that they don't actually know anything

In Science and Technology on Thursday, 13 October 2011

Boffin brian's succulent lips are probably made from some sort of anti-quark

After discovering yet another 'dark, anti-matter quark-particle' that probably makes up most of the known universe by the physicists at the Large Hadron Collider, scientists all around the world today realised they actually know pretty much fuck all about the fabric of existence, reports Total Science magazine this week.

"We really thought we had it all nailed down in the last century, all this science malarkey!" Explained the ex-keyboard player from D:Ream and atom-botherer Brian Cox.

"Now we just discovered yet more totally weird, unexplained stuff makes up most of the universe, and it behaves in a completely unprecedented manner - this same particle can be in many places at once across countless light years - yet one bit does exactly the same as the other bit across the universe - unless it's observed - in which case it will instantly turn into a bloom of magician's flowers or giant trippy rabbit, and the really fucked up thing is this is this particle actually doesn't exist at all, unless you sit down and write a maths formula for it! Obviously we will probably try to make a big bomb out of it or whatever, but all I know is trying to figure out this stuff has fucked us all back to caveman times."

The creepy-lipped science pin-up added, "Frankly I can't take it anymore, I'm going to re-train as a ladies hairdresser and intimate body waxer. Beats trying to figure all this nonsense out."