Torres woes continue

In Sport on Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Fernando Torres is good spirits yesterday despite pissing all over his hand, doh

Misfiring Chelsea striker Fernando Torres’s target-hitting woes are not confined to the football pitch a source has revealed. ‘Everyone knows that Fernando couldn’t hit a donkey’s arse with a sombrero at the moment’ said our source. ‘But that’s not the half of it’ he continued.

Apparently Torres has been having trouble providing a urine sample for testing purposes. "Fernando tried with the regular pot, but ended up pissing all over his hand instead." The team doctor was called to help.

"The doctor give him a funnel, but that just diverted it onto the floor and all over John Terry’s shoes." The physio was next to help, providing a bucket for the wayward striker’s stream, but according to our source Torres still managed to"get it all down his leg".

Ashley Cole made the next suggestion – getting Torres to stand inside a skip, but as our source described this only resulted in Torres ‘somehow letting go all over his own face’. In desperation Chelsea approached the Hydrodynamics department at Imperial College London who, after weeks of ground-breaking research came up with the solution.

Our source explained how it worked. "Every time Fernando has to give a sample we now get out his special kit. It’s a pair of waders with a really tight-fitting top, to stop him spilling over the top. It’s got a tap at fitted down at the toe so we now just strap him in and after a few minutes open the tap. Easy as you like."