Russell Brand to play the lead in Hollywood film adaptation of Worzel Gummidge

In Entertainment on Monday, 12 September 2011

Wurzel-ees-al-ahhs-Brand, who is set to play the head-swapping scarecrow Wurzel Gummage in a multi-million dollar Hollywood re-boot

Outside Toilet exclusive! British Comedy, Toilet Humour, Office Jokes and Political Satire

We can exclusively reveal today that snake-hipped wild-haired comedian, actor and poon-loon Russell Brand has just signed to play the lead in a multi-million Hollywood film based on the 1980s British TV series about a whimsical living scarecrow, Worzel Gummidge.

Speaking from his home in the Hollywood hills, our secret showbiz insider Damian Snort told us that the deal is signed and sealed, and that the actor with hair that looks like a run-over raven will be definitely playing the well-loved scarecrow that's probably got a run-over raven inside him, or something.

"The film is being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, and they reckon McG is going to direct," said our anonymous insider, Damian Snort. "From what I've heard, they've adapted the story to suit modern tastes, and Worzel Gummidge with be like the ultimate scarecrow fighting machine created by the evil Crowman to keep his rebellious scarecrows in line. The character played by Brand will be a kind of indestructible straw terminator, able to replenish his body and repair himself with discarded vegetable matter, like what you'd get from a compost heap. However, when Gummidge falls for sideshow doll Aunt Sally - who has developed into a super-tough fighter from having loads of potatoes thrown at her, and does lots of slo-mo then fast-cut martial arts scenes to girly rock-pop music like what Shampoo used to do - he decides to join the rebel scarecrows of Hundred Acres and fight for freedom against the tyranny of the Crowman and Ratter, his genetically mutated cyborg hellhound Jack Russell terrier."

We tried contact Jon Pertwee yesterday for his opinion on the re-vamped scarecrow he used to play, but we sadly discovered he'd been dead for a long time, so we got in touch with Russell Brand instead. 'Oooo, yeah, I'm doin this film, right, that's got a gummy minge innit and a sallydoll," said the comic actor with the hair that looks like Dracula's cape but with moths. "Yeah that's really my sort of thing, oooo yeah, can't wait to get my cock, which has now gone that funny sort of brown colour like my dad's, into action on the big screen. Oooo, can't believe I'm gettin paid to do this!"

We thought Brand was doing one of his funny jokes again, but he seemed as genuinely crestfallen as his hair when we heard a 'russel' of papers as he picked up his script to have another look, and then informed us, 'Aw, it's got no gummy minge innit, I misread that. Aw, and the sallydoll ain't blowup, it's wooden. Still, makes sense when you realise Anne Hathaway is goin'a play her. I'll still get to dry-hump her on the big screen though, which'll be awright. Oooo, I wanna go all the way but my turned-on turnip is only goin'a get Hathaway, oooo!"

According to Damian Snort, our clandestine movieland mole, studio execs are still undecided who will play the Crowman, but the word on the grapevine is that both Eddie Izzard and Chow Yun Fat have recently signed non-disclosure agreements relating to screen tests they have done for the upcoming film.