Weird Bloke in the Pub Says.. "You know that AIDS? It was some dirty bugger shagging a monkey that caused that. Makes my guts turn thinking of it - he must of been desperate to fuck a monkey. Barp!"
Princess Beatrice poses nude for Playboy
We hired gifted Photoshop artist Alfonso Rat to create this amazing impression of how Princess Beatrice might look in Playboy
The Royal Family were left stunned last night when it revealed that Princess Beatrice is set to pose nude for world famous men's magazine Playboy.
The 22 year old socialite was inspired to do the shoot after losing weight under a strict diet and exercise regime over the past year, in response for being ridiculed for looking a bit tubby on the beach somewhere by that annoying but perversely clickable panel at the side of the Daily Mail's website.
"I got my booty on!" Beatrice told us in a phone-hacked conversation we listened to yesterday. "Yarr it's all 'cause I got upset over that Daily Mail beach belly thing. Now I've slimmed down and toned up I can't wait to show the world my fabulously firm tits! And me buff minge!"
Beatrice's sister Eugenie was supportive of her sister's decision to bare all for Playboy. "Good on her I say, that girl is hot now! She's been working out really hard and sticking to a strict diet of baked swan, which is a very lean meat. She has quail's eggs for breakfast which are obviously much smaller than working class eggs, and she has done a few charity marathons recently with Holly Branson and other assorted poshos with guilt complexes. If she wants to show off her junk, I'm all for it!"
Beatrice's mum, Sarah Duchess of York, was also in favour of her daughter getting her kit off for horny readers. "Yarr if it makes a bit of cash then I'm totally game. To be honest I'm on the bones of my arse right now. I've recently started a business painting pebbles to look like Clement Freud and selling them on Ebay, but sales aren't great. That modelling cash would be useful, yarr I might even encourage Eugenie to go into the hardcore porno industry if the money is good!"
Beatrice revealed in her personal diary we thieved that she is planning to give her entire £100,000 modelling fee to a charity for bullied tubby minor royals - even though it only has one member. "The best thing about giving my gash-cash to my foundation is it's completely tax-free. And it's one member can then enjoy the full sum of the donation. Whoever that might be." Added the deer-caught-in-headlights-eyed ginger.
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